i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
