My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
