I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
