I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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