I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
