I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass