I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
