My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........