Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.