I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably