youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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