No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
