how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
