He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am one with the molecules
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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