You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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