booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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