i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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