if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
