Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
