No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Randomize