conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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