I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
