if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
