Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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