a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
