If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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