Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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