she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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