my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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