woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
