just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
