I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's official drugs can't kill me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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