I wish you could order shots online.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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