I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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