You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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