WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You are a genius and a whore.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
