how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
