This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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