things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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