i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Two words: nipple clamps
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