Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
