I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
