she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
