Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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