You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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