Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
