You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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