I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
