i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
