I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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