Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
