I am in a vortex of obligation.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
