Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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