Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
