i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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