so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
