Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
