fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
