just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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