I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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