My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
