If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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